Little miss independent..

The past few days, I've been coming to terms with the reality that my baby is growing up. I know, she's not even six months old yet, but each day, she's learning more and more on her own. At one point, she relied on me for EVERYTHING, and now, I feel like I'm just a boob again.

She plays on her own:

She sits on her own:

She sleeps in her own crib:

And I feel...... unnecessary. I know, this is only the beginning, but this is the first time I've truly felt like my baby is growing right before my eyes.

& speaking of the crib, we've been having some minor success, but she still tends to end up in her Rock 'n' Play each night. The first night, she slept in the crib for nine hours straight. It was the first time she had done that in over two months. Of course, I didn't get any sleep. I was up all night, watching each rise and fall of her chest on the baby monitor. When she woke up at 5:30 am, I was beyond happy to pick her up and set her right beside me again. I never thought I would miss her late night feedings as much as I did. The second night, she slept as she normally would. Four hours for the first stretch, then up every two to three hours after that. Again, I didn't mind, because after the first four hours (and an hour of trying to get her back into her crib), she ended up next to me again. The third night, was horrid. It took two hours to get her down, just so she could sleep an hour and a half in the crib. Then we spent roughly two hours trying to get her back down in her crib. We tried everything. We rocked her. I nursed her. We put her down awake. We put her down asleep. The minute she hit that crib mattress, she freaked. Yet again, she went back in the Rock 'n' Play, and she passed out within seconds. Last night (night four), she didn't even whine as I was putting her to bed. Normally, I rub her tummy and run my fingers through her hair until she passes out, but last night, I sat on my bed. She fell asleep within twenty minutes, no complaints. After about three hours, she woke up from bad gas. I nursed her back to sleep, held her in my arms for about an hour, and decided against putting her in the crib, even though I was sure she would at least stay asleep for an hour or two.

Part of me thinks that I'm self-sabotaging the entire thing. I love having my baby within an arm's reach. I love waking up to her smiling face in the morning. I love our late night nursing sessions, where all I can her is her sighs of relief as she takes gulp after gulp. Everyone keeps telling me I need to let go, but I don't want to.

I never imagined I would be this parent. Yeah, the ideas behind attachment parenting are great, but I said, "Not for me. Not for my lifestyle." Once I had her, that all changed. I breastfeed, she sleeps next to me (we don't co-sleep for several reasons right now, but if the crib doesn't work, it's our plan B), I refuse to let her cry-it-out, we wear her, and I feel like our bond between me and my baby, as well as me, my husband, and my baby, is unbreakable. I don't want that to change. I'm not ready for that to change.

Sigh. We're going to give this whole crib thing two weeks total and see where we go from there. If her first stretch of sleep doesn't improve, then there's really no point in this whole crib thing. If I'm going to be waking up 2-3 times a night, I don't want to sit and calm her down enough to go in her crib 2-3 times a night, which could take 2-3 hours a night for each wake up. It's just not going to happen.

For now, I'm going to play with my baby, because she's yelling, "ABOO," at me over and over again, and for the first time in days, she needs me.... only to pick up her toys she keeps throwing on the ground, but I'll take it.

Poo has suddenly become my favorite subject..

Maddie pooped today! Danny called it a "poopsplosion," but it really wasn't THAT bad. The part that was awful was cleaning the dipe, and not because it was totally disgusting, but because I didn't have the necessary tools. I didn't get a mini shower for the toilet, because I figured that dunking the dirty diapers wouldn't be a big problem. Wrong. Somehow, my rubber gloves got thrown away, so I had to rubberband grocery sacks around my hands. It was awful. I'm totally investing in a mini shower now.

Maddie was a much happier baby, post-poo. Danny cooked me a nice dinner, and Maddie sat in her high chair for the first time & played with toys while we ate. It made me really excited to start solids in a few weeks! She's also starting to babble words when she's pissed off.. Yesterday, she said what sounded like, "baybay," and today, I could've sworn she said, "mama," while I was putting her down for a nap (it was really quite pathetic though.. She was whining & crying, and I heard her say, "maaamaaa." I should've been excited, but I partially believe this was all in my imagination.)

Tomorrow is supposed to be mild, so we might go visit her Nana or possibly even make a trip to the mall. There are a few items at babyGap calling Maddie's name. Unfortunately, I'm broke, but I could always get a Gap credit card.... Me + credit cards = bad idea, but she NEEDS some baby skinny jeans. ;)



Overall, today was pretty fantastic, and Maddie was just a super happy beeb, all around. I love days like this.

Baby bums & other things.

We've been cloth diapering since Saturday. On Friday night, I couldn't sleep, because I was anxious about how our first day would go. I have zero friends or family who have cloth diapered, so there was no one to call and ask, "am I doing this right?" I was also scared that I would hate it, and that the hassle would be far worse than the money/landfills saved. I was totally going to screw this up. Everyone who said, "this is a really stupid idea," was going to be right, and I was going go back to disposables like a dog with her tail between her legs (can you tell I'm a huge pessimist?)

So, we started with the flips during the day. They were easy enough... Liner goes in cover, throw dirty liner in pail, wipe cover, repeat. It was so simple. I couldn't figure out why I had been so nervous about it. At night, we use BumGenius pockets with the newborn insert as a doubler. No leaks so far. I'm really loving my decision to switch. We did our first load of diaper laundry today, and we're diapering full time. So basically, we do 2 extra loads of laundry each week. Easy. Plus, how freakin' adorable is this little bum?


"Isn't my booty just the CUTEST?!"

But, we have yet to clean a poo poo diaper. We'll see how I feel about this in the morning when she hopefully (fingers crossed) poops. Which brings me to my next subject: constipation. I'm fairly sure Maddie is constipated (again), so we have to start giving her poop juice (again). Ever since Mads was three months old, she's had tummy issues: reflux, constipation, stomach flu, milk protein allergy, etc. She takes Zantac for the reflux and was taking a 1 ounce bottle of prune juice each day for about two weeks. Ever since about 3.5 months, we've had no issues. I was even able to add dairy back into my diet with no problems. Well, tonight, she woke up SCREAMING, just a few hours after we put her down. After trying tummy massage and leg pumps (which made the screaming far worse..), we gave her some poop juice, watched a Wiggles video (the hot potato song is fucking hilarious & she likes the pretty colors), and then I nursed her back to sleep. I'm hoping that there will be a poop in her diaper tomorrow.

Which brings me to my NEXT subject: since when do I watch the Wiggles and pray for poop? I seriously spent 20 minutes singing along and dancing like a jackass tonight.. But it made her laugh for a second, even though she was feeling miserable. I said to Danny, "a year ago, I couldn't have ever imagined myself doing this.. Ever." It's funny how I've stopped caring about acting "cool" or not embarrassing myself. Even so, Maddie thinks I'm the COOLEST, and that's all I'm concerned about anymore. And as far as praying for poop goes? Well, if you have kids, you understand that there's nothing you want more in life than for your child to happy. When your child is in pain, you'd change a million poopy diapers if it means she'll be happy again.

In other news, I was sure Danny was going to break both our TV & his iPhone today. Somehow, when he was updating/syncing his phone, it came unplugged and erased everything on the phone. We were majorly bummed, because he didn't back up his pictures, and he had some of the only pictures of Maddie's birth (to my knowledge, at least). These were pictures I hadn't seen before, so I was extremely disappointed. About five minutes after it happened, as he was talking about how much he hates the iPhone (blah blah blah.. I hear this about eight times a day, because he has "fat fingers" and if always autocorrects him incorrectly), an iPhone commercial was on the TV. At that moment, I was sure he was going to lose it. It's like the technology gods were rubbing it in his face even more.. But, unbeknownst to him, his iTunes had already backed up his pictures, and after a few hours, we were able to restore everything on the phone. So, I'm going to leave you all with these amazing first moments of Maddie's life (which subsequently have been double backed up):


Top left: My last belly shot. I don't remember this, but I do remember everyone bugging me to do one with my gown up.. Nope.. Looked like a tiger clawed my belly. Wasn't happening. Top right: gettin' her stats on. Bottom left: Looking for a boob to suck. Bottom right: Daddy's first time holding Maddie

Cloth diapers and the plague.

I haven't been able to get very far with the cloth diapering.. I'm hoping that I'll have everything washed and ready to go by tomorrow night. One wash/dry cycle down, three more to go. But, I do have a picture of my new goodies.. It's kind of dark, but I'm starting with a combination of flips, BumGenius pockets, and last night, I spent another $50 on some BG all-in-ones, which I am very excited to try, because I've heard nothing but great things about them. When I first started my adventures in cloth diapering, I wondered how people could possibly get "addicted" to CD'ing.. "They're friggin' diapers," I would think to myself. I digress, because I cannot stop looking at/purchasing new diapers. And this is just the beginning...



Hopefully, my next post will include a picture of Maddie's cute little bummy bum in one of her new dipes.

For now, I'm going to write about a more serious matter: How having a new baby is like having the plague.

I knew my social life would be different after having a baby, but I had no idea that it would be non-existent. Most of my friends want nothing to do with babies, so they've slowly crept out of my life. I guess I can understand, because I never liked children before Maddie, but I never treated my friends with children like they were diseased. That's how I feel most of my old friends are treating me right now. The few friends of mine with children have babies much older than mine. I think sometimes they forget how difficult it is to have an infant, and most of the time, they assume I can pick up everything and take baby wherever, whenever. It's not like that, and it doesn't help that Maddie is considered "high maintenance." So most of my time is spent inside (it's been 100+ degrees outside for several weeks now, and Maddie gets heat rash very easily), with Maddie. Don't get me wrong.. I adore my daughter and I love every minute of being with her, but I am dying for some adult interaction. I do work weekends bartending, but my job is actually kind of miserable, and I don't have much time to socialize. Not to mention that Danny and I have yet to go on any sort of date night. We NEED it, but I feel awful asking anyone to come babysit, which is weird, because both of our families live within fifteen minutes of us. Maybe it'd be easier to ask someone if we actually got to see our families more than once every few weeks. Either way, I'm hoping this passes.. I'm not upset about it, and I wouldn't trade Maddie for anything in this world, but it's kind of a bummer. And Nothing can compare to hangin' out with this lil lady all day..


"I don't care if you don't like babies. I'm still stinkin' cute!"

The Wonder Weeks (aka the baby brain bible)

Months ago, a little birdie on my Babycenter board told me about this book called the Wonder Weeks by Dutch scientists, Hetty van de Rijt and Frans X. Plooij. Basically, babies go through mental leaps of cognitive development, which cause the three C's: Cranky, Clingy, & Crying. As I have done with every other baby "how-to" book, I shrugged it off, and just assumed it was bull.. Then, another friend had mentioned the book to me, so I gave in and decided to googs it. I was fascinated by what I was reading. As I charted out Maddie's "wonder weeks," I saw a definite pattern in her sleeping habits and fussy periods. For the last month or more, Maddie has been sleeping like shit. Some nights are better than others, but on average, she won't sleep more than three to four hours before she starts waking up every two hours after that. Several people said, "well she's obviously not sleeping through the night because you're breastfeeding. Try giving formula (cheeseburgers in a bottle) before bed." Well, thanks, but I'd rather run off of three hours of sleep a day. The Wonder Weeks gave me an actual explanation as to why she was suddenly a terrible sleeper.

Picture this: You've had a long day at work. Your boss gives you a deadline for a project, due in two days. On top of that, you have a history test that you still need to study for. You go to bed that night, and all you can think about is that project and history. You can't fall asleep, because you have so much on your mind. The sleep you do get sucks, because your brain won't shut off.

Now, babies, do the same thing. For example, Maddie has been trying to master the skill of rolling over from back to front for weeks now. She would get to her side, but couldn't figure out how that she needed to move her arm and lift her head in order to do so. For weeks, all her little brain could think about was rolling over. Sometimes, she would even wake up, fully, wanting to play at 4 am. Just one day before her 5 month birthday, she rolled over... And didn't stop. We were blessed with three nights of fantastic sleep, no night wakings. Her brain is thinking, "Ahhhh, I can finally rest. My project is finished."


Mid-roll over

My favorite thing about this book is that it's not way of "training" your baby to sleep. There's no, "if you do ________, then your baby WILL sleep through the night." Instead, it offers ways to help your baby with each leap. For example, this last leap suggested letting baby play naked. The first time we tried it, Maddie rolled to her side for the first time ever. It could be a coincidence, but I like to believe that helped her get in tune with her body.. Or something. =]


Nakey rolling baby

I type this as I'm nursing my little girl at 1:30 am.. I'm assuming that in a few days, she'll be mastering a new skill, because she's back to waking up in the middle of the night again. At least I can take comfort in knowing that there is a reason (and an amazing one at that..) for why she does this. It makes it a lot less frustrating for the both of us, because I spent a lot of time wondering what I was doing wrong as a first time parent.

Now, I've talked to many people who have never had any problems with this (as with everything, there are varying degrees of intensity to which babies deal with this), and believe that it is a totally ridiculous concept. I also believe leaving an infant in her crib to cry it out is a totally ridiculous concept as well, which is usually the advice we get when it comes to her sleeping "problems." I'll stick with what makes sense for me & my family. I just wanted to sing my praises of this book, because it really has been a lifesaver for me!

www.thewonderweeks.com



Photo taken from: http://www.kidlantis.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/the-wonder-weeks.jpg

Newborn baby fever.

Yesterday, two of my friends both had babies. We went up to the hospital to visit my step-niece-in-law's (yup, that's a mouthful) new little bundle of joy, Noah David. He was absolutely perfect, born exactly 5 months after Maddie. I couldn't bring myself to hold him, as I have always been scared of holding babies, but I wanted to so badly. I wanted to compare. I wanted to feel what it was like to have a teeny tiny baby in my arms again. My thoughts were flooded with memories of her birth.

Smells: the sterile hospital room, the Johnson & Johnson's calming lavender lotion that I constantly used on my hands, the sweat that had accumulated over 24 hours of intense and painful labor, the way Maddie smelled when she was placed on my chest.. I know some of these smells aren't the most pleasant, but they'll always remind me of her first moments.

Sights: the bright light that hung above me so the doctors could see my hoo-ha, Danny, my mother, and his mother holding my legs, my father frantically running around with his camera, trying not to worry, Madeleine's first breath; the rise and fall of her chest, her beautiful newborn eyes, looking at me for the first time, her little mouth, opening, trying to find my breast.

Sounds: the beeping of the monitor, and the way it stopped right before a flood of doctors came in to roll me in every which way to get her heartbeat back, the muffled words of encouragement from those around me, my screaming each time I pushed, hearing, "One more push,"
at least a dozen times, squeals of delight as she finally slid out, her first cry, which any mother knows is the most gratifying sound of all.

Touch: Danny and my mother stroking my forehead as I labored for hours on end, cool washcloths on my head and neck, Maddie's slimy little body, the waxy vernix that coated her fingers and toes, her little hand grasping my finger, as if to say, "I'll always be your's, Mama," the fist time she suckled on my breast, as I felt an immediate bond with her.

Taste: Ice. This was the only thing I was allowed to have for hours, and the only taste that entered my mouth.

As I sat at the hospital, it was like I was taking all of those things, that filled my senses, in again. I held my not-so-little 5 month old girl in my arms, as we looked over baby Noah. And then I got newborn baby fever. I wanted Maddie to be that tiny again. I wanted another baby that tiny again. I know, I'm crazy. I really can't handle a newborn and a one year old, and I really don't plan on having another baby any time soon (if ever), but there's something magical about newborns. Maybe it's the reminder that life is a totally random and miraculous thing. Maybe it's the reminder that my little girl is growing up so quickly, so I should embrace every moment of it. Five months.. It feels like just yesterday.

Note: I was going to post a bunch of pictures, but it's 1am & I'm feeling a bit lazy, so I'll leave you with this: Maddie's first time eating boob..



Aaaaaaawwwwwwwwe <3

It's been one hell of a year...

A year ago, I peed on a stick. I didn't need to, but I did anyway. I knew I was pregnant. My boobs were ungodly sore, and I was pretty sure my period was late. When I flipped the test over, it read "pregnant." Honestly, I was surprised that I was even able to carry it down the stairs to show my (at that time) fiancé. My hands were shaking uncontrollably. I held it in front of his face, and he didn't even see it. He was engulfed in a video game. "Look!" I said. His response was about the same as my response when I saw it. "Oh fuck... What do we do?" I don't even remember answering that question, or any conversing between the two of us initially after. I ran upstairs, called my mother, and I immediately started bawling. We weren't ready. I was always kind of on the fence about having children. I never liked kids, and the only time I really wanted one was shortly after my niece was born, seven months prior to when I found out I had a Maddiebug growing inside of me. It was a very short-lived baby fever, and Danny and I decided that if we did have children, it would be years down the road. We were busy planning our wedding, and we wanted to enjoy each other during our first couple of years as newlyweds. We were living in a one bedroom loft, our wedding was in September, and we were broke. Adding a child into that mixture seemed unfathomable. But I couldn't deny the fact that I had this little thing growing in my belly.


This little thing is a fetus!

We were in no way prepared, but we knew we'd find a way to take care of her.. So, I got married, while pregnant.. Don't worry.. I don't hear ten thousand shotgun wedding jokes. I had to exchange my dress for a size bigger and had the most tasteful bachelorette party ever (sigh.. I didn't even get to see boobs =[). It was a beautiful wedding, nonetheless. We traded our honeymoon for a three day roadtrip to Kansas City and some baby supplies.


I REALLY shouldn't be wearing white...

In October, I felt the first little kicks. This was the first time I felt a real bond with her. For the first time during my pregnancy, she existed as more than a fetus. She was my baby. She had a personality. She was quite the party animal, and kept me up at all hours of the night (wait, she still does that...). She'd kick her daddy in the face when he'd lay on my belly, and she would "dance" to Iron & Wine every time I would play it.


Holy shit! There's a baby in there!

In February, we welcomed our lovely daughter into this world after 24 hours of painful labor. I was already in love with her, but holding her for the first time was a feeling I'll never forget. My heart grew a million times bigger as she looked into my eyes for the first time. All of my pain vanished. My fears of becoming a parent suddenly became non-existent. There was no way we could screw it up.. We had already made something so perfect.


Fresh out of the oven


A little less slimy

Being a parent is no easy task, but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. It wasn't something that I chose. It chose me, and I feel so blessed, because I could have gone through life not knowing what it's like to love someone with every fiber of my being. All of the late nights, bodily fluid leakage, and uncontrollable crying is worth every smile, giggle, and coo. I often wonder why I was so scared, because there's nothing scary about my Madeleine. She is my world (and Danny too!) <3
My princess


My diva


My Maddiebug