Newborn baby fever.

Yesterday, two of my friends both had babies. We went up to the hospital to visit my step-niece-in-law's (yup, that's a mouthful) new little bundle of joy, Noah David. He was absolutely perfect, born exactly 5 months after Maddie. I couldn't bring myself to hold him, as I have always been scared of holding babies, but I wanted to so badly. I wanted to compare. I wanted to feel what it was like to have a teeny tiny baby in my arms again. My thoughts were flooded with memories of her birth.

Smells: the sterile hospital room, the Johnson & Johnson's calming lavender lotion that I constantly used on my hands, the sweat that had accumulated over 24 hours of intense and painful labor, the way Maddie smelled when she was placed on my chest.. I know some of these smells aren't the most pleasant, but they'll always remind me of her first moments.

Sights: the bright light that hung above me so the doctors could see my hoo-ha, Danny, my mother, and his mother holding my legs, my father frantically running around with his camera, trying not to worry, Madeleine's first breath; the rise and fall of her chest, her beautiful newborn eyes, looking at me for the first time, her little mouth, opening, trying to find my breast.

Sounds: the beeping of the monitor, and the way it stopped right before a flood of doctors came in to roll me in every which way to get her heartbeat back, the muffled words of encouragement from those around me, my screaming each time I pushed, hearing, "One more push,"
at least a dozen times, squeals of delight as she finally slid out, her first cry, which any mother knows is the most gratifying sound of all.

Touch: Danny and my mother stroking my forehead as I labored for hours on end, cool washcloths on my head and neck, Maddie's slimy little body, the waxy vernix that coated her fingers and toes, her little hand grasping my finger, as if to say, "I'll always be your's, Mama," the fist time she suckled on my breast, as I felt an immediate bond with her.

Taste: Ice. This was the only thing I was allowed to have for hours, and the only taste that entered my mouth.

As I sat at the hospital, it was like I was taking all of those things, that filled my senses, in again. I held my not-so-little 5 month old girl in my arms, as we looked over baby Noah. And then I got newborn baby fever. I wanted Maddie to be that tiny again. I wanted another baby that tiny again. I know, I'm crazy. I really can't handle a newborn and a one year old, and I really don't plan on having another baby any time soon (if ever), but there's something magical about newborns. Maybe it's the reminder that life is a totally random and miraculous thing. Maybe it's the reminder that my little girl is growing up so quickly, so I should embrace every moment of it. Five months.. It feels like just yesterday.

Note: I was going to post a bunch of pictures, but it's 1am & I'm feeling a bit lazy, so I'll leave you with this: Maddie's first time eating boob..



Aaaaaaawwwwwwwwe <3