Little miss independent..

The past few days, I've been coming to terms with the reality that my baby is growing up. I know, she's not even six months old yet, but each day, she's learning more and more on her own. At one point, she relied on me for EVERYTHING, and now, I feel like I'm just a boob again.

She plays on her own:

She sits on her own:

She sleeps in her own crib:

And I feel...... unnecessary. I know, this is only the beginning, but this is the first time I've truly felt like my baby is growing right before my eyes.

& speaking of the crib, we've been having some minor success, but she still tends to end up in her Rock 'n' Play each night. The first night, she slept in the crib for nine hours straight. It was the first time she had done that in over two months. Of course, I didn't get any sleep. I was up all night, watching each rise and fall of her chest on the baby monitor. When she woke up at 5:30 am, I was beyond happy to pick her up and set her right beside me again. I never thought I would miss her late night feedings as much as I did. The second night, she slept as she normally would. Four hours for the first stretch, then up every two to three hours after that. Again, I didn't mind, because after the first four hours (and an hour of trying to get her back into her crib), she ended up next to me again. The third night, was horrid. It took two hours to get her down, just so she could sleep an hour and a half in the crib. Then we spent roughly two hours trying to get her back down in her crib. We tried everything. We rocked her. I nursed her. We put her down awake. We put her down asleep. The minute she hit that crib mattress, she freaked. Yet again, she went back in the Rock 'n' Play, and she passed out within seconds. Last night (night four), she didn't even whine as I was putting her to bed. Normally, I rub her tummy and run my fingers through her hair until she passes out, but last night, I sat on my bed. She fell asleep within twenty minutes, no complaints. After about three hours, she woke up from bad gas. I nursed her back to sleep, held her in my arms for about an hour, and decided against putting her in the crib, even though I was sure she would at least stay asleep for an hour or two.

Part of me thinks that I'm self-sabotaging the entire thing. I love having my baby within an arm's reach. I love waking up to her smiling face in the morning. I love our late night nursing sessions, where all I can her is her sighs of relief as she takes gulp after gulp. Everyone keeps telling me I need to let go, but I don't want to.

I never imagined I would be this parent. Yeah, the ideas behind attachment parenting are great, but I said, "Not for me. Not for my lifestyle." Once I had her, that all changed. I breastfeed, she sleeps next to me (we don't co-sleep for several reasons right now, but if the crib doesn't work, it's our plan B), I refuse to let her cry-it-out, we wear her, and I feel like our bond between me and my baby, as well as me, my husband, and my baby, is unbreakable. I don't want that to change. I'm not ready for that to change.

Sigh. We're going to give this whole crib thing two weeks total and see where we go from there. If her first stretch of sleep doesn't improve, then there's really no point in this whole crib thing. If I'm going to be waking up 2-3 times a night, I don't want to sit and calm her down enough to go in her crib 2-3 times a night, which could take 2-3 hours a night for each wake up. It's just not going to happen.

For now, I'm going to play with my baby, because she's yelling, "ABOO," at me over and over again, and for the first time in days, she needs me.... only to pick up her toys she keeps throwing on the ground, but I'll take it.